Virgin Territory: My First Date at 40

Dear Africana Woman,

How are you hun? Happy New Year. I really do mean it from the depths of my heart. It took me a while but I have finally decided to start off the blog in 2024 telling you about how I am preparing to go on my first date at 40 years old. Kinda weird. I am sure you have lots of questions. Let’s start here.

I love being single. Oooh chal. To me being single represents freedom, one of my core values. I know the liberties it gives me to be more bold and say things openly. I understand that my singleness has awarded me space to seek my personal legend as a woman. It is such a blessing that I certainly do not take for granted.

However, I have never ever been in a serious relationship. Neither have I been on a real date hey. And as I draw closer to my 40th birthday I realise I want to actually experience this thing we people covet so passionately. This is not the first time that I have declared that I will be in a relationship, but the truth is deep down I never really meant it. And like many a new year resolution ditched it a few months into the year. 

This year, I know it is different because I am actually preparing myself which I have never done before. I thought it would be good to share what I am doing with you and hope you glean something for yourself. So here is what I am doing to prepare for a relationship / my first date ever:

I am revisiting my past situationships. So far, what I have found is so revealing. Let’s go back to when I was 23 years old and had my son in my last year of university out of wedlock. I felt shame, embarrassment and self loathing, so much so that I told myself no one would ever want to be in a serious relationship with a disgrace like me. At 23 I cast myself into the unworthy pile and there followed a string of unfortunate encounters. There was a part of me that was grateful that any man had breathed interest in my direction. It didn’t matter that they were abusive, manipulative, or controlling. I was just humbled that any human with a third appendage was interested in me. When I finally managed to drag myself out of that sewer, I then turned to immature boys dressed in men’s bodies whom I could control, not commit to and I guess manipulate. See the fear had now become that I was not willing to submit to the crazy in a man. That didn’t work either. So I resolved to be single. 

Well the truth is when I had my son, I also promised myself I would not be in a serious relationship until I was 40. This was because I did not want him to experience the possibility of an abusive step parent. In hindsight I know that I could have easily focused on attracting a great man and my son could have experienced a childhood with an amazing Dad, but I was not willing to take the risk. What is weird is that there seems to be a part of me that thought I would stop being a parent at 40. I kid you not, it’s only this year when it clicked that I am a parent for the rest of my life. So whether I choose a life partner now or later they too still have to be a co-parent for life.  

Anyway, when my investigation uncovered that my core belief or dominant thought was that I AM NOT WORTHY OF LOVE, I decided to reprogram my mind and choose a different belief. This looked like me visualizing having a conversation with 23 year old Chulu. This is what I said to her

“Hey hun. I know this is very hard for you and a lot to take in all at once, but I just want to let you know one thing. Having a child out of wedlock does not make you a lesser human being. You made a mistake but that’s all it is. You can learn from it and grow. I love you unconditionally flaws n all, so does God. In no way should you let this define who you are. You have support, you are surrounded by love, trust me you will be okay. Hold your head up and teach people to treat you as the Queen you are” and I gave her a big hug as she cried buckets of tears and released the fear, shame and embarrassment. 

The next thing I am doing is becoming very clear about what I want in a relationship. I want a supportive and mature kinda love. That love that is a life partner kinda love. I want an emotionally intelligent man. The kinda man to whom I can submit to the God in him. The kinda man who is deeply rooted in his masculine and yet comfortable in his feminine. A man who is a father. The kinda man who finds it sexy that I excel in my purpose. The kinda man who can hold the home together if need be. The kinda man with a big laugh and even bigger heart. The kinda man who leads with wisdom and is deeply rooted in agape love. This is a man who can keep up with me toe to toe on the dance floor. The kinda man whose favourite spirit is holy. The kinda man who is healthy and wealthy.  A life learner and adventurer. Mmm that’s my kinda lova.

That said, I have so much unlearning to do. You see, I grew up surrounded by independent mothers who outwardly demonstrated that being single was not a death sentence. They never shared the lows, the loneliness, or any moments of depression. Therefore, I have internalised this state as normal. I have to learn what it means to be accountable to someone else, to take someone else’s opinion into consideration. I have to learn patience, compromise and generosity, all fruits that seem foreign.

The final thing I am doing is asking, so as I can receive. I rarely leave my house to seek and find. So for the probability of increasing my chances of a door opening, I am asking people to set me up on dates. To be honest I don’t think people are taking me seriously. But I really do believe in arranged marriages and blind dates. Look at Meghan, she got a whole prince. Feel free to set me up on blind dates. Just a word of caution, at 40 potential does not cut it anymore. Be discerning in your selection. Thanking you in advance.

Who knew embodying being a life partner is much deeper than just declaring your intentions. Remember, become aware of your beliefs, gain clarity on what you want, ask for what you want, believe, take aligned action and receive. I am still very much at the beginning of this journey. Come December I will give you an update.  I pray that your 2024 is a year of transformation and joy. We have so many things planned for you and hope you will take full  advantage of the Africana Woman calendar. Here is a peak into what you should look forward to:

In addition we have the following COURSES:

• SUCCESS Tribe - 8 - 31st January

• Personal Brand Course - 2 February, 7 May, 10 Aug, 5 Nov

• Good Morning Beautiful - 1-7 December

I am pretty sure there is something for you in here. Save the Dates. Make bookings. Start your payment plan as early as possible. Reach out to africanawoman@gmail.com for any enquiries.

By the way I have a new playground. I am absolutely loving LinkedIn. Find me there at Chulu Chansa. Always remember to love yourself flaws n all and build a lifestyle you absolutely desire. To an amazing 2024.

Love 

Chulu